Kristen Mark
Faking It
There is a great discussion going on over at Good In Bed about Female Orgasm this week. The topic has shifted at times to faking it. Some women (experts and readers) are incredibly against the idea of faking it and believe that it is doing a disservice to all women. Others, such as myself, have expressed that sometimes faking it isn’t so bad…although I do recognize that it isn’t ideal.
Any guy I’ve had this conversation with has been disgusted with the idea that a woman would fake an orgasm. They have unanimously expressed that this is unacceptable. I have consistently proceed to crush all of their hopes and dreams and inform them that at least one woman has most likely faked it with them throughout their sexual lives.
I, along with many many women I know, have faked an orgasm or two in my day. I agree that it isn’t ideal. But it also isn’t ideal to feel like you have to orgasm. Nor is it ideal to feel like you’re taking too long to orgasm. None of that is conducive to actually orgasming. And sometimes…it just isn’t going to happen (but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel great)!
The problem is the cycle that occurs with regard to orgasm. So, you have sex a few times and it is so great that you do orgasm (real). Then, your life gets a little stressful one week, and you want to have sex, but don’t really expect an orgasm to happen (which is fine for you), but your sex partner assumes you’re going to orgasm (because you have every other time). Then the inevitable “I want to hear/feel/make you come” is uttered by said partner. Enter: pressure to orgasm. This pressure does nothing but make having an orgasm less likely to occur. Which makes you more likely to feel obligated to fake it.
Perhaps at this point, one should just say “I’m not going to come this time…”, but many times it is just a lot easier to make a few When Harry Met Sally-esque noises.
And don’t even get me started on the side topic of just “getting it over with”….that’s a whole other post.
After all the talk about it on Good In Bed and learning about other sexpert’s viewpoints, I’m going to really try not to fake it ever again. I think it does do a disservice to the sexual partner (and to future female partners of that person) by making them think that they are “hitting the spot” when they may not be. How hard can it be to keep it real?
Although I’m just a baby on the sex toy review scene,reviewing vboartirs means more to me than free toys and petty cash. I reflect on and share my sexual experiences as a way to develop my understanding of my own sexuality and to provide other women and men with a unique ground on which they can begin their own conversations and come to make a critical, reflexive, community of sexual thinkers and practitioners. Learning is a community process, and each slant, twist, spin and flip contributed to an idea is necessarily expansive to how we understand ourselves and each other, and potentially revolutionary to any one individual.